Birthday Cake by Will Clayton. Shared under a Creative Commons License.
Today, I am officially 34 years old. There. I said it. My age is now floating around the interwebs. Not that I am ashamed or distressed about turning 34. It actually feels rather insignificant, and also a little bit disappointing.
On one hand, I’m perfectly happy to be 34. It’s kind of like littlest bear’s porridge: not too hot (young), not too cold (old). Juuuuust right. Old enough to get a little respect, young enough to wear short shorts. 😉
On the other hand, when I pictured what my life would look like at 34, I didn’t picture this.
Well, I kinda sorta pictured this: a nice house, a beautiful family, a husband that treats me like a queen, an obedient weenie dog who doesn’t dig up my yard or bark too much, friends that encourage me and make me laugh… My life is a pretty good one.
It’s just that I thought I’d be doing something by now. Third Grade Megan would have guessed that I would be all NASA-fied at this age–an official astronaut with a cool jumpsuit. High School Graduate Megan would have thought that I’d be inspiring young minds in the classroom by now. Mama Megan would have hoped that she’d have her household management down to an art so that things would be able to run on autopilot when she’s not around. Christian Megan would have guessed that she’d have more answers than questions by now. She’d also probably ask me why I’ve gotten so lazy lately. World Traveler Megan…well, she’d nod her head in approval at the places I’ve been and seen, but Fitness Megan would have been disappointed in how far I’ve fallen from the healthy lifestyle we implemented a few years ago. Photographer Megan would wonder why I let running a business ruin my creative juices and why I rarely pic up my camera anymore. Scholastic Megan would have wondered why I’m not doing any freelance writing or why I’m not working as a librarian.
Remember when I mentioned that post on being in the Land of InBetween? I feel like I’m there. I’m kind of just stuck. I’m not unhappy, I’m just in limbo. I don’t know where I’m headed, and because I don’t have a direction, I feel very unproductive. At every other point in my life, I’ve had dreams or goals. Now, I feel like I’m just waiting around for God to show me whether or not he has any special plans for me like he did for Jeremiah.
Don’t get me wrong, after years of exhausting hustle-and-bustle, I have quite enjoyed this past year of reflection and rest, but I feel like I should be impacting more lives than I am. My circle of influence seems too small and too “Christian.” I’m pretty sure God doesn’t want me to stay in my happy, little bubble.
So…I’m waiting for a word. Until then, I’m going to kick back and laugh about how Kid Megan would have thought 34 was one step away from death, and how I’d like to go back and tell her that 34 is pretty much the same as being 12 except you have a grown-up’s body. Then, I’m going to go eat the delicious caramel-filled milk chocolates that my husband gave me this morning and work on expanding that grown-up body just a little bit more. 😉
Are you where you expected to be at this point in your life?